“Why do we label underwear as a pair?” — Donfucius

“When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.” — Gracie Allen

“Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.” — Steven Wright

“I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.” — Rita Rudner

“Don’t worry about people stealing an idea. If it’s original, you will have to ram it down their throats.” — Howard Aiken

“I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Darn, I am less nurturing than a desert.” — Demetri Martin

“The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.” — Terry Pratchett

“There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“We are inclined to believe those whom we do not know because they have never deceived us.” — Samuel Johnson

“We are the people our parents warned us about.” — Jimmy Buffett

“When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer Present or Not guilty.” — Theodore Roosevelt

“Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach a man to create an artificial shortage of fish and he will eat steak.” — Jay Leno

“Men live in a fantasy world. I know this because I am one, and I actually receive my mail there.” — Scott Adams

“Setting a good example for children takes all the fun out of middle age.” — William Feather

“Get all the fools on your side and you can be elected to anything.” — Frank Dane

“Anger is the feeling that makes your mouth work faster than your mind.” — Evan Esar

“Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?” — Donfucius

“Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.” — James Bovard

“The incompetent with nothing to do can still make a mess of it.” — Laurence J. Peter

“To avoid situations in which you might make mistakes may be the biggest mistake of all.” — Peter McWilliams